Not cool at all. You can't get upset with friends that exclude you when you don't ask them to do things, either. Soz. My husband was invited to his sisters high school graduation three hours away. Pitting your wife against your sister when you have no intention of weighing in could be a disaster! January 15, 2013, 10:06 pm. Related 14 Signs your boyfriend is done with your relationship. I would tell my husband to go and plan fabulous things to do that weekend on my own with my friends, family, or kids. reader, So_Very_Confused+, writes (5 May 2014): A Whether your SIL is just mean and doesnt like you, or whether youve done something so off-putting to her that she doesnt want you around on her birthday. Same with friends. But I dont think its always going to be that simple. Dont cause trouble on top of trouble. Ehh actually, I agree with Amybelle for the most part. Did the SIL mention the party on the phone to her brother and say soemthing like Oh, Im having a party, you should come! and the LW took that as she wasnt invited or where there formal invitations mailed out and the one that shows up to their house only had the husbands name on it? This means hes not just avoiding a certain person or an awkward situation, hes trying to keep you and this part of his life a secret for some reason. SHE is his primary family now. January 15, 2013, 10:08 pm. In my opinion, the SIL is acting childish and petty (unless the LW has committed one of the acts I mentioned above) and the LWers husband should stand up to his family for his wife. I've been seeing posts on social media from the party tonight and it looked really fun! God damnit, now I have some work to do. TaraMonster January 15, 2013, 9:58 am. Your ex could have gotten a totally swoon-worthy 'do that reminds you of Ryan Gosling during his Notebook days or Beyonc at the Grammys. (10 Tips for Handling This! Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? It takes the petty short view. The other was my mother in law got mad at something I said at a party and she would not want me in her home until I apologized. And from the pointed, clipped vagueness of the letter here, it is quite obvious (to me) that the LW knows damn well WHY she was excluded but has deliberately chosen NOT to tell us. I cant have an opinion without knowing why the LW was excluded. If not, I assume thered be some mention of surprise or confusion, and there is none. However, this doesn't seem like one of those times. Maybe there's a little of that going on? January 15, 2013, 11:31 am. Every time I bring up the subject or ask about why, he deflects the questions and says his family is always busy. LW, spill it!!!!! Do you feel disrespected by your husband in general? Maybe she didnt give the story because its not that interesting of a story? Now, this is my opinion because this is his sister. Whatever the reason, his exclusion signals youre not anintegral part of his emotional life. Essentially, LW is looking for support that her husband should not go NO MATTER WHAT LW MAY HAVE DONE. You are married and that makes you family. I imagine that this situation is similar; SIL gets what she wants, and LW gets to feel like an ass. one is legitimate and perhaps can be remedied, one is just adding more fuel to the fire and is going to cost everyone in the long run.. lemongrass Find someone that wants you at his birthday party. January 15, 2013, 11:40 am. They are the ones who didnt invite his wife and put him in this awkward position. anyway, i would tell her to be the bigger person and try to fix this mess. 1. There are so many reason I can think of to why he wouldnt invite you to this party. Also expand your own sexual boundaries. And Im still making compromises to protect my family my husband, and my MIL from their own familys particular brand of nasty. that is a pretty legit thing, and if i remember right we have had letters about that before. I hope its nothing too heavy, too! If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Any event you arent invited to? Dianne MacKay !, ebstarr Youre pinning this whole situation on OP which is ridiculous, youre clearly projecting whatever resentment you have for your partner you decided to cheat on. I want the whole history of the LW, her husband, and her in-laws. Are you for real? So don't resent anyone; carrying around negative energy never does any good anyway. In my family/friends we are pretty informal, so even its not explicit plus ones are always assumed to be invited. 19/20 year olds who can't afford an uber aren't going to "black tie, invitiation only" parties. Really? They are selfish and manipulative. Then she should also talk to her husband about how upset she is that he is not standing up for her. Nov. 11 2013 at 6:17 pm. While this is somewhat understandable, it can still hurt, but at least you know that's the reason. thank god! Why even bother attending an event if its going to be awkward or miserable? Because this is just going to get worse when LW has kids, for future Holidays, etc. How do I talk to my boyfriend about this in the morning (he will most likely come home very late after I go to bed, pretty sure they're going clubbing even though he said he wouldn't). Even if my SO said he wouldnt bc of me, I still think Id tell him to go. Or if this is a one time thing or happens all the time. He should stand besides his wife. Fab, I cant believe Im hearing this. He should have dumped you year 1 and you would have given in to that seduction years earlier. ah, but you see, it takes two to make drama happen if you dont feed it, it doesnt grow. haha, but that is what I mean! Now, he would occassionally ask me to hang out with his frineds and i reject since I have a boyfriend. I love her and I love all my in-laws, crazy as that sounds. I think she should call the sister-in-law directly and try to find out whether there is a problem. You should definitely try to be a part of his life. Im sure you can be on your best behavior, at least for the first few times you meet his family. Can you check with the host to see if I can come along?" The fact that he is not supporting you here is a bit fishy. IF it were just an oversight, then she could say Oh, I thought because I am MARRIED to John that I was invited too!!!!! I feel bad about myself at this point. While I cant promise its a simple reason why your boyfriend never invites you to family events, hopefully, you now feel much more confident about talking to him about it. . How I feel about their rejection is something I work on myself. Thats totally normal, dont ever feel bad for bringing this up with him. If we all got along, the world would be a pretty weird place. Once you accept the fact that you weren't invited, and understand that it happens to everyone at some point and that everyone feels left out sometimes, it's easier to just move on from the situation. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Questions - he asked me to take him to find an outfit. Otherwise, how does the SIL have the balls to call up her brother, invite him to her b-day party, but, oh, by the way, please make sure you DONT bring your wife she is definitely not invited., temperance Did it upset me? Also, storytime becausealthough its not totally similarI keep thinking about it: A few years ago, my uncle was dating this married woman. If hes not willing to do that, then I think something fishy is going on. A call to the SIL will LIKELY clear it up. His sister lives in another state. I think it would help to know why the LW wasnt invited. This is a hard one. His mother and I do not get along, however, I always respect her in her presences. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. It could be anywhere from a Facebook comment taken the wrong way to stealing money. jlyfsh January 15, 2013, 11:10 am. I think the fact that the OP hasnt included one single possible reason for the lack of an invitation is pretty telling. Nobody is saying he should bring the wife anyway and try to have a confrontation at the party, but I disagree that this is not the time to take a stand. The first time IS the time to take a stand, because the argument with be more difficult and murky the longer you wait. Just wait until its a woman at the office trying to lay hands on your husband, or the lady at the rental place because your husband cant help but be friendly and caring to all (hes a minister son and great socializer). FireStar GatorGirl This. If they wanted me there, they would have invited me. For anything. What would be the purpose of your husband skipping his sisters 40th birthday party? What is so wrong with wanting to have fun though, because that to me is all a birthday party is. Existing. And a potential fight with your husband? Seriously. January 15, 2013, 10:44 am, But if they dont like each other (& its for a petty reason), then I think the sister should just invite the wife anyway. January 15, 2013, 9:12 am. Whilst cruising about in his car, hes told you to sit in the back so that his friend can have the front passenger seat. are you going to go? For all we know, he could have. DebMoore Do you usually decline party invitations or complain about going to them, not having any fun, etc? Cause thats who I am, a bitter stay at home wife of 4 with many many many outside distractions that (if Im not careful) could wreck havoc on my precious delicate marriage. it becomes a tug of war with the husband/brother as the rope, and then no one wins. either you are an asshole or your SIL/husbands family is an asshole. He's afraid you'd be jealous because he has a semi flirtatious relationship with a female collegue 3. And for god sakes, these are your in-laws. So last week i hung out with him and his friend and watched a movie and then he invited me to his house. WHY do you think you werent invited That is an excellent point jlyfsh. He says that he understands why Im hurt and doesnt deny that I was purposely excluded, but, at the end of the day, the greater slight would be to his sister if he was not there to support her. Guess what that would do? January 15, 2013, 4:43 pm. If you've been socially withdrawn and anxious, then maybe he felt you wouldn't have enjoyed a party where you didn't know very many people. I wouldnt attend a party my own sister invited me to but didnt invite my fiance. Ive told him my feelings and I do feel that my role is now to take the high road and not be petty. My sister in law started hating me because she was always saying terrible things about her husband and I disagreed with her on one of her rants. Sorry if the formatting is weird, writing this on mobile. Once you think you've figured out the reason, or lack thereof, there's nothing to do but accept it and get over it. Negative feelings may still linger until the LW and SIL have it out and resolve things, but ground rules should be laid before things start getting ugly and ongoingand the first thing should be that neither lady can exclude the other from functions. Just because he stayed married to her doesnt wed him to share in the consequences of HER choices. But she left that out, which I think is a little telling. he cant change her behavior either so then even if she is being a jerk, does that mean that he shouldnt go to her party? is causing him to abandon his wife for the weekend, travel to Chicago to party, spend money on airfare and whatnot, and she has absolutely no say because its his family? shanshantastic January 15, 2013, 10:29 am. I dont agree that his attending the party is a no-brainer. January 15, 2013, 10:00 am. And, for what its worth, if the SIL had written in and said the LW was a terrible, no good rotten person who she loathed and she just wanted to invite her brother to her party and not his wife, my advice would have been that like her or not, the LW is her brothers wife and the SIL has to respect that. I have to assume everyone knows why she chose not to invite the LW. Relationships are about sharing and making a person better. If thats the case here, I can definitely see the rudeness. thats a little controlling, no? Maybe the answer would have been "no". That said, I mean family events like major milestone birthday parties where people fly in out of state, big weddings (not small courthouse weddings or weddings where you only want to invite something like 12 people), holiday parties, etc. He could even be a vampire for all you know. The next go to a spa, get your makeup professionally done, then go out with girlfriends for overpriced drinks. Addie Pray When you accidentally bump into him on a night out, he refuses to hold your hand or dance with you. I think its rude and awkward, but I really wish the LW had told us the full story. I agree. This is a short letter and how slighted you feel by the sister depends on the context of the snub did you guys have a fight? They are very similar personalities. The type of function it is should ever ever be an invite to only one partner! I do think this is totally unacceptable a married couple is a unit. It will also remind you of the people in your life who really matter, and who your true friends really are. Relevant questions: Did he ask you to help him shop or did you offer? I would never, and I do mean never, accept a family invitation sent only to me and not my husband, simply because we are a unit and the strength of our relationship is the foundation of my life; at the end of the day, I come home to my husband, not my extended family. We are not exclusive since we have never brought up the talk. Which might lead to mended fences, who knows? Obviously there is a reason she did not invite the LW and the LW does not want to say what it is. This really has helped me think about the issue from different viewpoints. no hard feelings (hopefully? Good counseling, haha been there, and they tell me what Ive heard before. Some people like to get together with their families to celebrate special occasions. My boyfriend didn't invite me to his birthday party, because he said that there are too many people there. The difference is, I expect him to stand up for me with his family. Ok, Im a little bitter about the hair loss. Fabelle Feb. 6, 2019. Itd be nice if he helped (MAYBE HE HAS, WE DONT KNOW), but is it really his job to work out issues between two grown adults?! Offbeat Wed Vendor They are just jealous that he has a real family now I told him I didnt want him to go.. They weren't inviting anyone places, they were just going with the flow. Only naive people agree to those situations. It made me confront my own issues and realize my own mistakes in friendships. Really, hes the only one to feel bad for if you ask me. Usually because he has vital nights out with the boys hes forgotten about. Im lets_be_honest nope. I asked if he wanted to watch the fight together, and he said he already made plans for the fight. If you want to remain uninvolved because you are not invested in either side or you dont want to upset anyone. When I got home, I realised that I was quite upset. drawing unnecessary lines in the sand is just making the problem worse and worse for everyone involved. less than twelve hours before we are to depart, he tells me that no one is going to be at the house and there is no where for the children to go. if youre planning on being married a long time, its best to get along with the inlaws. I am more forgiving than he is once he sees a persons bad side like they have shown him. ok. sometimes you dont marry someone who would get involved in drama but you do end up related to them! You dont care who messes with your home life. so shouldnt she, then, be the adult in this situation? They get the best of both worlds in that scenario. GatorGirl LBH, I do think there is a difference from not going once from Boston to Chicago for a birthday party and never talking to the SIL again. I would also try to find out why I wasnt invited. Unless they do something unforgivable that cant be easily passed, we should always try to keep on good terms with family. But its worth it. Absolutely agreed on them working on communication, but it's still totally a two-way street here, in general and in this circumstance. However, my husband feels differently. Why doesnt he ask his sister why his wife wasnt invited? There are forms of narcissism where the family of a controlling mother has passed along her traits and there are roles each family member takes on, one tell tale sign thast you my dear are married to a man in such a dysfunctional family is because anyone who speaks up for themselves or says stop blaming me or is being publicly humiliated degraded and put to your husband to choose his sibling over his wife for his sister to have done that to him was HER additional way to punish you for not being a good little scapegoat it is the invalidation tactic. I think he should have invited you, or asked the host if it was okay to invite you and then invited you. ok, im back to agreeing with you. You aint gonna be the next Kim and Kanye with a fool like him Nope. GatorGirl Never even asked questions when I went out. GatorGirl Make yourself known, make it known your not lying down, not letting them decide what your family is going to look like. And that time you bumped into his aunt whilst shopping. i think that being upset is very valid and not weird, and then taking that and demanding that the husband not go, and then to say that it will wreck the integrity of your marriage are very different ways to go about this. well, im not the kind of person to get involved in drama. Anyway, I dont know your specific circumstances, but I do know what its like to feel hopeless and helpless about situations in your life you cannot control or change. i agree, LBH. This is just how life is, and there's no avoiding it. . Its Ironic you even used the words "gave in to seduction" as if it was going on for years! I have a wonderful husband, but I do not get along with his family. Screw it. The thing is, I always invite him, especially if were hanging out together and Im making plans for that evening. If you become hubbys sex kitten, the alley cat might purr foryou! If they didn't want me there but wanted me to sill be involved in their life as partners, they still would have informed me about it before they went. alright. I dont think its wrong for the LW to want her husband to show some allegiance to her. So he has more room for others than he has for me? Im going to celebrate the shit out of 40. lets_be_honest Addie Pray However, my husband feels differently. January 15, 2013, 9:44 am. Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her love advice in TODAY.com's "30-second therapist" series.Q: My boyfriend of almost three years will not invite me over to his place or. January 15, 2013, 11:33 am. Its sad to say, but often the reason a man doesnt invite a partner to his family events is that hes embarrassed or ashamed of them. January 15, 2013, 10:52 am. Im so awesome! and at 31 Im like, What? act like an adult! Assuming shes never invited to anything again. This is not acceptable. When Weddings Ruin Friendships. Whatever they may end up telling you, at least you've gained a new perspective, and you'll most likely feel better just talking about what's bothering you. Nothing has changed, he still doesn't invite me. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. If he did not succeed, the LW would at least know that he tried and together they could make a decision about whether he should go to Chicago without her. !. As most of you know, I hate my sisters SO, but even him I would invite (while gritting my teeth). As stated above, it might be something small, like the host is throwing a small, chill party with a few close friends, and while you may know one of them, it wouldn't necessarily make sense for you to be invited. 17. also, really, WWS about this *rocking* the integrity of your marriage. If the LWs exclusion isnt warranted, it just sets the standard that its OK to exclude her from future events and theyll meet with no resistance from their family member. theattack . i agree. Totally Want more info on this one. Is it worth him not going and adding to this fight at this point? Yesterday he was at my place, and said hes going out for drinks, so I didnt ask anything, assuming he was going out with his colleagues, but still felt it was a bit rude but I just thought to myself Im over sensitive about it. I think your SO should talk to his sibling and 1) make sure your not invited (it may just be a misunderstanding and 2) if you are not invited, find out why. If there truly is no reason for not inviting the LW, I dont even know what to say. If this were the first time you felt this way you probably wouldn't have posted. January 15, 2013, 12:04 pm. Granted, I have a close enough relationship that I can ask, will ask and wouldnt have an issue telling my brother or sister that theyre being assholes for not inviting him so I genuinely think that there are a lot of underlying/past issues that the LW has conveniently left out. January 15, 2013, 11:26 am. But to let your SO do so much (or expect it) and then still not invite them - even after they ask about it - is just super rude. Divorcing him would prevent me from getting hurt over and over again. Does it get to be different if its Christmas, his mom is alcoholic, thinks his adult boys are too fragile to see their dad with anyone 7 years post divorce? if you find them irritating. Take the high road. I have a very demanding sister that tends to grate on my fiances nerves. April 7, 2018, 4:40 pm, Sorry but that is unacceptable,unless she has harmed his family in some way which has not been claimed. That's weird! Addie Pray Nothing! by making a big deal out of a birthday, and inviting out of town people, you get to have a nice special time with all your friends and family! Im going thru the exact same scenario with my husband. Sue Jones Just wait until your MIL, SIL, FIL, fight to keep you out of events to the point where he has no free time with you. Id be curious to hear your SILs side why shes excluding her brothers wife to an important event. The integrity of my marriage is threatened! It would be what the heck did I do to offend them so much?. I know that if I invited my brother to something, it would be assumed that his wife would be invited. We dont have enough information to encourage the high or low road. Since the day you said i do, you are family. wheres JK isnt she the go to person for finding old letters? I don't owe them the pleasure of my company., I just turned 60 and none of my family wished me happy birthday on Facebook. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself before you talk to him. I just dont think its realistic to think youre always going to be able to step out and be 100% chill about everything. I am lucky that my husbands family is nice. We do holidays together & events & etc we live 2 hours away so we don't see them all the time but when we go out there we stay with his sister our kids play together, we talk & we joke. This is what I was wondering as well! Ok, I think this is more of a rant, but Im really annoyed by it. If you guys are going to build a future together, this is something youre going to have to get past at some point. 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